Premarital Counseling . . . for Malayalees?
With rising divorces rates in the U.S., it is important to note that the Malayalee Pentecostal community is not an exception in this trend. Social scientists argue that couples that undergo formalized premarital counseling increase their chances in staying together by 30% in comparison with couples that do not. According to studies, marriage preparation in the form of formal counseling helps improve communication, conflict resolution, and decision making skills*. In our community, however, professional or formal counseling, whether premarital or other, is still a very foreign and resisted concept.

What accounts for our community’s general resistance toward professional counseling?
Dr. George Kurian, a retired licensed Clinical Professional Counselor/Psychologist and Founder of Crossroads Counseling Ministry Inc., explains that this resistance to professional counseling “is primarily due to the cultural taboos or belief systems relating to mental health.” He points out that, “There is a real need for fostering greater awareness about the positive benefits of seeking professional help.” Several factors keep individuals, couples, and families from seeking help in our communities---professional or otherwise. One factor is the fear of public “dishonor” which relates to the issue of confidentiality. Trust is essential for a person to make the first step of telling someone about his or her situation. Dr. Kurian notes that most people go to friends or people with whom they are extremely comfortable. Adding to these findings, Dr. Thomas Idiculla, Director of Mental Health Services Department at McLean Hospital and President of Agape Partners International, states that currently “there is no formal (professional) body or organization that deals with the issues of teenagers and parents especially [within] the Indian community.” To make matters worse, due to the way our community is structured, it is difficult for present Malayalee professional counselors to make known their availability as a resource on a wide scale.

When dealing with marriage problems, who do most couples talk to first? The study**, Emerging Marriage Trends in the Indian Christian Community, answers this any many other questions.

Done in early 2007, this study is especially useful, because its data, drawn from six hundred responses, comes directly from our Malayalee Pentecostal community. Respondents were sixteen and older. As you can see, the data above suggests that when a couple has marriage problems, 64% of them would approach someone from the community (the total including parents, friends, and pastors)—highlighting the role and importance of the body of Christ in the counseling process.

What is the role of the body of Christ in premarital counseling?
Serving several years as a Christian Counselor within her local church, Liza Isaac sheds some light on this. She stresses that “older more experienced brothers and sisters in [the] church body must teach and train the younger men and women on how to conduct themselves in a marriage relationship.” “This training and modeling,” she points out “should [take] place long before [an individual is] even considering marriage. This teaching and training is Biblically encouraged (Titus 2) . . . Scripture exhorts the more mature believers to come along side of us, to advice us and counsel us as we prepare for marriage. Proverbs 15:22 says, “Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisors bring success.” There must be a God-driven responsibility and understanding from which members of our community advise each other. As the body of Christ, it is important to educate young people about “how to be the ‘right person’ before [they] look for the ‘right person’.”

What is premarital counseling?
Most couples consider that three-hour appointment with their pastor just before the wedding as premarital counseling. For long-lasting effectiveness, however, there should be multiple sessions under the guidance of a formal or professional counselor that understands how our community works. Marriage preparation could also include courses and seminars. The group element in such environments helps to ease the initial discomfort. For a more personalized approach, however, professional or formal counseling is best. Counseling should address as well as give couples an opportunity to assess their compatibility in several areas including communication, personal and family expectations/goals, decision making skills, intimacy, and/or conflict resolution.

What are common factors that upset marital stability?
To appreciate the importance of premarital counseling, it is helpful to understand what factors typically affect marital stability. In her experience, Liza Isaac has noted that “common areas of contention seem to be finances, pertinent personal history, character incompatibility and parental/family expectations.” Her findings add to the conclusions expressed in the Emerging Marriage Trends study. Figure 6 provides the eight most common factors that members of our community believe contribute to marital instability.

As you can see, these factors cannot be easily addressed in one three-hour appointment. Premarital counseling aims to enable a couple to learn or improve skills needed to handle these factors beforehand.

Who can be approached for help?
For counseling, Dr. Idiculla says “professionals such as psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers or licensed counselors and others who have advanced training and board certification/licenses in one of the mental health professions could provide counseling.” In regards to clergy, he adds that “If you are an ordained, licensed pastor with counseling training/certification, you probably can provide Christian Counseling.” The issue in going to pastors within our community is that most of them are not formally trained to counsel. While they can be powerful speakers, they may or may not be good counselors. With formal training, however, they would serve as an excellent resource for many in our community. Dr. Kurian emphasizes that professional counseling is meant to supplement pastoral or lay counseling, NOT replace it. Professional counseling includes the mental health professionals listed above. “Pastoral or lay counseling [especially when formally trained] can have an important role in helping members of the congregation. However, this must be done with adequate clinical supervision available to those who serve in this capacity. Also, [Pastors] need to be open in collaborating with mental health professionals within our community. Appropriate referrals must be made when the counselor recognizes the limits of his or her training and skills in treating clients.” Both Dr. Idiculla and Dr. Kurian bring up the observation that with most couples, if and when professional help is sought, it is too late. The couple is usually on the brink of divorce at this point. Though there have been cases in which such marriages were saved, earlier intervention is much more effective. Formalized premarital counseling, then, can be done by licensed clergy, mental health professionals and others who have advanced training/certification in Marriage or Family Counseling.

Why does premarital counseling work?
Getting married is a complex and intricate process that has so many different facets and factors to determine its success. A professional Christian Counselor helps the couple to explore discussion of these multiple elements in an organized, thorough, and Godly way. With most couples, the engagement stage is where they are typically more positive about the problem issues that are identified and more motivated to establish healthy habits. Knowledge is power as they say. The earlier a couple gains specific awareness about their marriage and each other in Godly terms, the better equipped they are to handle upcoming problems and make wise decisions. Also, the trust that is established between the Counselor and counselees will be helpful even after marriage (should questions arise). In conclusion, premarital counseling is not just beneficial as a precaution, but as an added strengthening tool. That is to say, do not just think of it as way to prevent problems, but consider it as a tool to better the strengths that a couple already has.

If you would like to get in touch with a counselor, please view the counseling section of the PCNAK website, http://www.pcnakyouth.com/counseling.aspx. All correspondence is confidential.

George Kurian, Ph.D is a Psychologist/ Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor. In February 2006, he retired after working for over 21 years as a Psychologist at the Regional Institute of Children and Adolescents, a residential treatment facility in Baltimore, Maryland. In addition to holding a Doctorate Degree in counseling from the George Washington University, Washington, D.C., he is licensed and Board Certified by the Maryland Board of Professional Counselors and Therapists, the National Board of Certified Counselors as well as the American Psychotherapy Association. As Founder of Crossroads Counseling Ministry Inc. in 1984, he has done private practice for the ministry which includes a good deal of Marriage, Couple and Family Therapy. Apart from professional counseling, he also provides clinical supervision to lay/pastoral counselors as well as graduate students who seek credentialing with State Boards. To contact Dr. Kurian, please email contactccmi@verizon.net.

Thomas Idiculla, Ph. D is the founder and President of Agape Partners International, Boston, MA; and the Director of Mental Health Services Evaluation Department at McLean Hospital, one of the largest psychiatric hospital of Harvard Medical School (Boston, MA). Also, he serves as Board of Directors for various Christian organizations including Sunday Schools of North American Keralites (SSNAK), Dallas, TX, and Abundant Life Counseling Center, Boston, MA. In addition, he is the editor of “Strangers in a Foreign Land” which looks at various issues within the Indian Christian community in the United States . He has spoken at conferences as well as youth/family and Sunday school teacher seminars in the US, UK, UAE and India. As a Clinician and Researcher, he understands well the challenging issues facing adolescents, couples, and parents, and knows that a balanced life is possible only if it is based on the word of God. Dr. Idiculla can be contacted at tidiculla@agapepartners.org or Tel: 781-223-0082

Liza Isaac holds an M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Wheaton College (1997). She stopped counseling/therapy in the clinical setting many years ago with the decision to become a home-maker. As noted, she now counsels individuals, couples, and families from various ages and backgrounds within the church body which she considers an enormous privilege. Having lived in India for sometime, her vast understanding of both communities makes her an invaluable resource for the Malayalee community. To reach Liza Issac, please contact annettejacob985@yahoo.com.

*See http://www.foreverfamilies.net/xml/articles/case_for_marriage_prep.aspx. Carroll, J. S. & Doherty, W. J. (2003). Evaluating the effectiveness of premarital prevention programs: A meta- analytic review of outcome research. Family Relations, 52, 105–118.

**Idiculla, Thomas & Verghese, Leslie (2007). Emerging Marriage Trends in the Indian Christian Community. Agape Partners International.